States of Mind
In our intricate inner world, the interplay between our thoughts and emotions can either harmonize or clash. By cultivating awareness of our emotional and rational faculties, we unlock the potential to act in a more effective manner. This awareness unveils the diverse states of mind that emerge from the intermingling of logic and emotion.
Emotion Mind
When our attention becomes fixated solely on our emotions, disregarding logic and reason, it can lead to risky outcomes. Acting purely on emotional impulses without considering the consequences can overshadow our judgment.
Emotions are vital for our survival. They serve as our compass, highlighting what matters, signaling potential consequences, and enriching the complexity of our relationships.
The challenge arises when our emotions overpower our logical thinking, resulting in actions driven by immediate needs or urges, rather than a balanced perspective.
Reasonable Mind
In the absence of structure, chaos prevails. Logic guides us to follow rules: looking both ways before crossing the street, raising our hand in class, completing assignments on time, and studying for tests. Yet, there are instances when we become confined by rigid rules, hindering our growth. We may establish flawed rules that do not serve us well, such as believing we should only like someone who reciprocates our feelings. The truth is, genuine connections are built upon shared interests and mutual fulfillment.
We may also employ logic to determine our actions, assuming that if our parents love us, they should fulfill all our wants and needs. This mindset fosters entitlement and diminishes our responsibility to communicate our desires effectively. While there may be a degree of logic in this thinking, our parents can still love us deeply without meeting every desire.
Generally, certain rules prove beneficial in organizing our lives and aligning them with our values and goals. However, similar to emotion mind, an exclusive reliance on rule-driven actions, detached from consequences, can inadvertently create chaos, contradicting the original purpose of these rules.
Wise Mind
In the harmony of emotion and logic lies the essence of wisdom. The state of wise mind aligns our actions with our values and aspirations, embodying our authentic selves. It represents a state of clarity and centeredness, where we are attuned to our true essence and what truly matters to us.
Every individual possesses the capacity to tap into this wise mind. It is akin to selecting the ideal water temperature for a shower. You effortlessly find the balance between hot, warm, or cool that resonates with you. This equilibrium, however, may vary slightly for each person.
The essential skill lies in recognizing when we have deviated from wise mind and understanding the steps needed to return to this state of balance and authenticity.
Discovering Inner Equilibrium: Nurturing Balance within Yourself
There are many ways to orient your attention in a difficult or conflictual situation. You can interpret a situation, judge it, numb out or run away from it, engage in a lot of other activities to avoid it, or get stuck in your emotion about it. These are typically ineffective strategies. Alternatively, you can notice the situation and your reaction and describe it. Describing is one of the most effective ways to get to a more balanced place, to interrupt rising reactivity, and to keep yourself from acting in ways that make things worse.
– Alan E. Fruzzetti, The High-Conflict Couple
Dr. Alan E. Fruzzetti emphasizes the simplicity and effectiveness of describing, especially when we are not engulfed in the heat of the moment. We can describe the physical environment around us—the room, its objects, the temperature, the colors, and textures. Likewise, we can describe the thoughts, sensations, and emotions that arise within us. Imagine a sports announcer narrating a game, providing detailed accounts for the listeners to grasp the unfolding situation.
When we engage in description, we refrain from attaching emotional qualities to what is being observed. Instead, we allow emotions to arise and make space for their presence without passing judgment.
THE CHALLENGE OF JUDGMENTS
In conflictual or highly charged situations, describing becomes challenging as judgments tend to dominate our perception. Judgments categorize things, people, or actions as right or wrong.
One problem with judgments is that logic tells us that things that are wrong must be stopped. But typically, the things we judge are simply things we don’t like. We want them to stop or be different, but they are not necessarily wrong.
– Alan E. Fruzzetti, The High-Conflict Couple
Dr. Alan E. Fruzzetti elucidates this issue in “The High-Conflict Couple.” By describing the situation and our reactions while acknowledging the validity of our responses, we can soothe our emotions and regain a balanced and effective way of being.
Practice
- Cultivate the skill of observing your own experiences without passing judgment. Take a moment during your day to engage in an activity and simply notice what you are doing. Describe the various elements of the activity, such as sensations, emotions, textures, and colors. The aim is to observe and describe without attempting to alter the experience.
- Develop the ability to distinguish between judgments and descriptions. Instead of labeling a painting as “beautiful” (a judgment), focus on describing its specific aspects and qualities, such as the colors, textures, medium, and subject. Pay attention to your reactions as well.
- Heighten your awareness of judgments or challenging emotions that arise within you. Describe the situation and your own reaction to it. It is advisable to start with relatively easier scenarios and gradually progress to more conflictual or high-arousal situations. Practice this skill to build proficiency over time.
Adapted from:
The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation